Being an old dad can be lonely

I am sorry for another slightly dull, and self-indulgent post. I hope it doesn't come across as either winging (too much) or trite and clickbait.

It's well-accepted that being a parent is hard; it's more accepted now that dads can struggle as well. But what I wasn't prepared for was how lonely it is to be an old dad.

I believe it's quite common for people to feel a sense of isolation or loneliness at times, regardless of their age or circumstances, and loneliness is a huge issue in the UK. But as an older dad, there are various particular reasons to feel lonely. Add in a pandemic, a sick partner, and a job which is now almost entirely alone, and it was pretty grim.  

The reailites of old dadum

So why do I think being an old dad has some odd peculiarities, that add to loneliness:

• Friends: Firstly, most of your friends either don't have kids or theirs are grown up, and they have 'forgotten' what it was like. There are only so many times you have to cancel at short notice or leave at 9 pm before people stop inviting you out. I miss the pub. Unfortunately, some friends will drop you if you can never go to the pub or if you talk about kids all the time.
• Support: There seems to be less of a support network for dads. I completely understand that this is probably right; women do most of the heavy lifting. But it would be good if there was a little more. I have enjoyed a newsletter called The New Fatherhood, and the online group around that. Others seem to slip into angry dads' rights, which isn't what I am looking for at all. To be honest, it would be nice if there were just parent groups.
• Not part of the gang: Just because you are doing much of the childcare, don't think the mums will necessarily let you into the gang. This is possibly just perception. But mums at the playground won't necessarily chat. To be honest, why would they? You are still some strange 45-year-old guy; a baby isn't a passport. But sometimes it's sad.
• Tired: This is the same for all parents, but you are tired all the time, and just want things to be easy. It isn't the right time to make new friends, to start a new hobby etc.  
• Work: I think work has historically been a big part of my social life and network. Becoming a dad coincided with the pandemic and remote working. Which meant I was disconnected from the team. Online meetings are not the same as chatting in the office or beer after work (a bit of a recurring theme here, maybe I should rename the post, I miss the pub).
• Money: On top of all of the above, most newish dads are going to be short of cash. Which makes options such as seeing old friends or a new hobby harder.  

Possible solutions

My feeling of loneliness has gotten better. To some extent, this is due to external factors: Although COVID is still here, we aren't in lockdown, I am back in the office most of the week (although now we don't have a big team), and Elsie is a lot better.

But I am also trying a few things to help get better.  

• Connecting with others: I am seeking out opportunities to socialise with others, such as joining a club or group. I have enjoyed The New Fatherhood and the online group around that. I am also just writing to old friends; it does feel like resurfacing after being underwater for a very long time.
• Stay active: I don't have a huge amount of time, but doing activities that are separate from being a dad and a partner has got to help. I have started exercising again and volunteering where I can
• Seek support: Have I tried this? No, we can't afford a therapist, and to be honest, I don't think I need one. But I have signed up with my old personal trainer. As well as being a great trainer, he was good to talk to and is now a life coach. He doesn't know it, but maybe I can get 2 for 1.  

A bit of a stream of consciousness this one, and personal. If you are reading this and have a real issue, please try and get proper help. Don't listen to me.