I’m halfway through a trial subscription to The Spectator. This post is a kind of review or maybe more of a personal field report. The decision to subscribe wasn’t random I’d been hearing about it for years, and I’d also been listening to their podcast, Coffee House Shots, which I’ve enjoyed, even when I don’t always agree with it. I signed up out of curiosity rather than loyalty. It has a reputation punchy, provocative, “the house journal of the Tory party” as some put it and I wanted to understand it from the inside. I don’t hate-read. I genuinely wanted to give it a fair go.

This isn’t the first time I’ve stepped outside my media comfort zone I wrote about that in a previous post on the 'comfortable middle'. Since then, I’ve dabbled across the spectrum: The Times, UnHerd, Novara, and now The Spectator. Each one offers a different kind of discomfort or perspective, depending on the day.

So far? I’m minded not to continue beyond the trial, but I haven’t slammed the door. It’s been an interesting window into a certain worldview, and, unexpectedly, a front-row seat to a changing of the guard. The magazine was recently bought by hedge fund billionaire Sir Paul Marshall, a man best known for backing UnHerd and GB News. The long-time editor has stepped down (I’ll admit I was relieved when he turned up at The Times instead), and in a twist which maybe some could have guessed (albeit not me), former Cabinet minister, and now Lord, Michael Gove has taken his place. It’s hard not to read the magazine now without wondering whether you’re witnessing a slow shift in tone, or the start of something more dramatic.

Clever, Clubby, Not Quite Me

Let’s start with the good. The writing is excellent fluent, confident, and often very funny. There’s a wide range of contributors and content, and while the politics dominates, there’s also plenty on art, culture, travel, books, and more. I’ve particularly enjoyed the specialist features and reviews often with a distinctively conservative slant, but written with style and substance. A few pieces have genuinely held my attention from start to finish, which is more than I can say for most newspapers. The recently piece on the The conservatism of Thomas the Tank Engine, made me smile and think.

But even when I’ve enjoyed it, I’ve rarely felt like the intended reader. There’s a clubbiness to the tone, a sense that you’re listening in on a conversation among old friends who already agree about most things. A knowingness. Occasionally it’s charming, but mostly it makes you feel like a guest at someone else’s golf club.

Critics have described The Spectator as the Conservatives’ parish magazine, and that’s about right. Its audience isn’t mass-market. It's party donors, Westminster insiders, opinion columnists. That’s not a problem in itself. But if you’re trying to read outside your bubble, it helps if the bubble you're peering into occasionally acknowledges you exist.

Writers vs. Readers

The biggest surprise, and not a pleasant one, has been the comments. While the articles are often nuanced or ironic, the readers below the line are fuming. It’s not universal, but it’s hard to ignore the tone: bitter, aggressive, and especially fixated on immigration and woke!

I’m not blind to the fact that immigration is a significant issue for many people, and I don’t think it should be off-limits in political discussion. But the sheer frequency and fury of the comments feels unhealthy, like the needle’s stuck. It turns what might be a thoughtful piece on housing or public services into another excuse to rage against migrants, “elites,” or Sadiq Khan. I came looking for a window into the conservative mind; what I often found was a vent.

This disconnect between the magazine’s carefully calibrated voice and the rage of its readers has been noted by others too. One writer described it as a place where “enclaves of moderation and thoughtfulness” survive in a “fraternity house pummelling Muslims and high-fiving on Brexit”. That’s perhaps unfair to the writers, some of whom clearly put in the work to provoke rather than inflame, but it does capture the atmosphere of the comment sections pretty well.

The Vibe: Everything Is Broken

There’s a broader mood that runs through the magazine, and it’s one of decline. Not just cultural decline, but institutional, moral, even architectural. Parliament is broken. The BBC is broken. Cities are broken. Humour is broken. Britain itself may or may not be salvageable, depending on the columnist.

This sort of gloom can be seductive (its interesting it comes up a lot in Novara Media as well), especially if you’re middle-aged and nostalgic for a time when the bins got emptied, the trains ran on time, and you still knew how your remote worked. But after a while, it starts to feel like a pose. There’s an air of performative collapse, as if simply noticing how terrible everything is confers some kind of moral clarity.

Academics and journalists have flagged this tone too, suggesting that under its new owner, the magazine might lean further into this worldview. Paul Marshall’s other media ventures, including GB News, thrive on cultural pessimism. So far, The Spectator hasn’t gone full froth, but you can feel the gravity pulling. It’s a magazine that knows what its audience fears, and knows how to stoke it.

The Sale and the New Guard

This isn’t just speculation. In September 2024, The Spectator was sold to Old Queen Street Ventures, a company owned by Marshall. The previous chairman, Andrew Neil, resigned immediately, expressing concern about editorial independence. Nelson followed soon after.

Marshall insists the magazine will remain editorially independent, with separate structures from his other holdings. But critics point out that you don’t spend £100 million on a niche weekly magazine unless you have a mission. As The Guardian noted, Marshall seems to be building something: a media ecosystem for the right. Whether The Spectator retains its sceptical, clubbable voice, or becomes part of a more combative campaign, remains to be seen.

I didn’t expect my little trial subscription to land me in the middle of a live case study in British media ownership, and to be honest I am not qualified to comment much more. But maybe it’s been an interesting time to do a trial.

So, Will I Stick With It and Would I Recommend It?

Probably not. I’ll keep reading until the trial ends – partly out of curiosity, partly to see how the Gove era unfolds – but it doesn’t feel like home, which might be good thing in a way. I don’t mind reading things I disagree with; I think that’s healthy. And in truth, I’ve been enjoying the broader habit of reading more widely, even when I find myself raising an eyebrow or muttering at the screen. It's become part of how I make sense of the moment we're in.

Still, The Spectator itself doesn’t quite sit right. The tone – especially among its commentariat – feels too sour, too certain, too locked into a narrative of decline. And I can’t help but wonder whether Paul Marshall sees UnHerd as the more open, exploratory arm of his media portfolio, and The Spectator as the comfort zone for his fellow conservatives, perhaps with a nudge further to the right.

Would I recommend it? That depends. If you’re a conservative or some other flavour of right-wing, then yes although let’s be honest, you probably already read it and don’t need a lecture from me (a slightly confused centrist who hasn’t had a lot of sleep in five years and should concentrate on his real job!). For centrists like myself, maybe. There’s good writing and some interesting cultural coverage, but you may find the same sticking points I did. As for anyone fully committed to socialism, I can only imagine subscribing as a form of opposition research and even then, there are probably better uses of your time.

So what next for me? Maybe the London Review of Books, though I’ve never made it through a whole article. There’s a first time for everything. More realistically, I’m tempted by The Economist sometimes, frustrating, but sharp, globally minded, and not overly tribal. Alistair Campbell keeps pushing The New European, but to be honest, part of the whole process was to get away from the easy listening of The Rest is Politics.

In the meantime, I’d love recommendations. What do you read to challenge or comfort your worldview?

The Personal Confession – ‘How I Ended Up Here’

I should start by saying that I am not a political expert. I’m not an activist, I’ve never been out leafleting, and I don’t spend my weekends angrily posting about the state of the world. But I do have political leanings—I’m a Labour member, though I sit comfortably on the right of the party and have no real appetite for activism.

More than that, I’ve realised that my instincts have always pulled me towards the middle. Take my news consumption. Two years ago, I had a moment of self-awareness—I realised I was stuck in a bit of a silo, mostly reading The Guardian, nodding along in agreement. So, in what felt like a huge personal shift at the time, I started reading The Times. It was a conscious effort to break out of my bubble, to make sure I wasn’t just reinforcing my own views. And, in hindsight, it was also the most centrist dad move possible.

Since then, I’ve expanded further. I read UnHerd, The Spectator, The New Statesman, and Novara Media. But even as I’ve tried to push myself, I’ve noticed a pattern—if I read something from the left, I balance it with something from the right. I don’t just take in different perspectives; I instinctively counterweight them. It’s like I have an internal scale that won’t let me lean too far in either direction. And that, more than anything, tells me just how deeply embedded my centrist instincts really are.

The same thing happened with podcasts. I was an early adopter of The Rest is Politics, and I still enjoy it. I like how Alastair Campbell and Rory Stewart try to have grown-up conversations rather than shouting matches. But the more I listen, the more I wonder if the whole thing is a symptom of the problem—people like me, clinging to the idea that it’s still the late 1990s, that politics can be fixed by competent people finding sensible compromises. I want to believe that, but what if those sensible compromises are part of the reason we’re in this mess in the first place?

If I’d thought about this ten years ago, I probably wouldn’t have cared all that much. But then I became a dad. And that changed things.

How Becoming a Dad Pulled Me to the Right—And Then the Left

Having kids makes you inherently more conservative, at least in some ways. Not necessarily in the ‘Daily Mail-reading, worried-about-woke’ sense, but in the risk-averse, stability-over-everything way. Before Violet was born, I was happy with a smaller place. I owned my own flat from the age of 26, and it was enough. But after Violet arrived, Elsie and I bought a much bigger home, and with that came all the things that make you start thinking differently: schools, house prices, catchment areas, and long-term security. When you’re responsible for a child, you stop thinking in big, abstract political ideas and start focusing on the day-to-day. You just want things to work. You want competent people in charge, and you don’t have time for grand ideological battles. That’s where centrism pulls you in—it promises stability, reasonableness, a way to make the world function without everything having to be torn down and rebuilt.

But then you think about your child’s future, and suddenly, centrism feels… inadequate. Because what if the future we’re heading towards isn’t one where things stay the same, but one where they get worse? What if your child grows up in a country where they can’t afford a home, where public services are threadbare, where opportunities are worse than they were for your generation? That’s when I start to wonder: is centrism just a way of managing decline while pretending everything is fine?

The Problem: Has the Middle Failed?

Here’s the thing: for most of my life, British politics has been pretty centrist. Blair’s New Labour, Cameron’s ‘compassionate conservatism’, even the Coalition years—it was all broadly moderate. And yet, where has that left us?

Housing is unaffordable. Public services are crumbling. Inequality is rising. Climate change is worsening. If sensible, moderate, pragmatic politics was supposed to steer the ship responsibly, why does it feel like we’re sinking?

If I only cared about my own life, I could probably shrug and move on. I’ve been lucky enough to get on the housing ladder. I have a stable job. I can afford a comfortable life. But then I look at Violet and think: what about her?

What about all the other kids growing up now? Will they ever be able to buy a home? Will they have the same security that my generation did? Or are we heading towards a future where everything just slowly gets worse, and we call it ‘normal’ because it happens gradually?

That’s what unsettles me. Maybe the reason radical politics is on the rise is because people can see that the centre isn’t actually solving anything. Maybe centrism, for all its talk of competence, has been more about keeping things tolerable for people like me while failing to offer anything better for the future.

What’s the Alternative? (Or, What Do I Do With This Realisation?)

So where does that leave me? I’m not about to start marching in the streets. The idea of burning it all down and starting over doesn’t appeal, partly because I suspect it never works, but also because, as I said, I’ve got a mortgage and a school catchment area to think about. And that, if I’m honest, is exactly the problem. The system might be failing, but for people like me, it’s still just about livable. Maybe that’s why centrism persists—because for the people in charge, things aren’t bad enough to justify real change.

At the same time, I understand why the right is attractive. It offers a clear, simple vision: security, order, tradition, responsibility. There’s something reassuring in that, especially when the world feels chaotic. And then there’s the left, where I often agree with the broad goals—fairness, equality, opportunity—but find myself exhausted by the culture wars, the moral purity tests, the constant demand to prove you’re on the right side of history. There’s a part of me that wants to say, "I care, but I also have a job and a kid, and I don’t have the bandwidth to fight over terminology every five minutes."

So where does that leave me? Probably still in the middle. But I don’t want to just sit here passively. If I’m going to be centrist, I’d at least like it to be an active choice, not just a default setting. Maybe centrism needs to stand for something more than just ‘not being extreme’. Maybe it needs to be bold, not just sensible. Less about compromise for the sake of it, and more about actually fixing things—properly, not just enough to keep things ticking along.

Conclusion – Still Stuck in the Middle?

I haven’t come to any grand conclusion here. I started writing this thinking I’d either talk myself out of being a centrist or double down on why it’s the best place to be. Instead, I’ve just ended up questioning it more. Which, of course, is the most centrist thing I could have done.

So for now, I suppose I remain where I started—somewhere in the middle. But at least I’m thinking about it. And maybe that’s a start.

Or maybe its all that I don't like the Centrist Dad cliche!

A much more serious article in the FT: Why it is lonely in the political centre, by Janan Ganesh here

I am sorry for another slightly dull, and self-indulgent post. I hope it doesn't come across as either winging (too much) or trite and clickbait.

It's well-accepted that being a parent is hard; it's more accepted now that dads can struggle as well. But what I wasn't prepared for was how lonely it is to be an old dad.

I believe it's quite common for people to feel a sense of isolation or loneliness at times, regardless of their age or circumstances, and loneliness is a huge issue in the UK. But as an older dad, there are various particular reasons to feel lonely. Add in a pandemic, a sick partner, and a job which is now almost entirely alone, and it was pretty grim.  

The reailites of old dadum

So why do I think being an old dad has some odd peculiarities, that add to loneliness:

• Friends: Firstly, most of your friends either don't have kids or theirs are grown up, and they have 'forgotten' what it was like. There are only so many times you have to cancel at short notice or leave at 9 pm before people stop inviting you out. I miss the pub. Unfortunately, some friends will drop you if you can never go to the pub or if you talk about kids all the time.

• Support: There seems to be less of a support network for dads. I completely understand that this is probably right; women do most of the heavy lifting. But it would be good if there was a little more. I have enjoyed a newsletter called The New Fatherhood, and the online group around that. Others seem to slip into angry dads' rights, which isn't what I am looking for at all. To be honest, it would be nice if there were just parent groups.

• Not part of the gang: Just because you are doing much of the childcare, don't think the mums will necessarily let you into the gang. This is possibly just perception. But mums at the playground won't necessarily chat. To be honest, why would they? You are still some strange 45-year-old guy; a baby isn't a passport. But sometimes it's sad.

• Tired: This is the same for all parents, but you are tired all the time, and just want things to be easy. It isn't the right time to make new friends, to start a new hobby etc.  

• Work: I think work has historically been a big part of my social life and network. Becoming a dad coincided with the pandemic and remote working. Which meant I was disconnected from the team. Online meetings are not the same as chatting in the office or beer after work (a bit of a recurring theme here, maybe I should rename the post, I miss the pub).

• Money: On top of all of the above, most newish dads are going to be short of cash. Which makes options such as seeing old friends or a new hobby harder.  

Possible solutions

My feeling of loneliness has gotten better. To some extent, this is due to external factors: Although COVID is still here, we aren't in lockdown, I am back in the office most of the week (although now we don't have a big team), and Elsie is a lot better.

But I am also trying a few things to help get better.  

• Connecting with others: I am seeking out opportunities to socialise with others, such as joining a club or group. I have enjoyed The New Fatherhood and the online group around that. I am also just writing to old friends; it does feel like resurfacing after being underwater for a very long time.

• Stay active: I don't have a huge amount of time, but doing activities that are separate from being a dad and a partner has got to help. I have started exercising again and volunteering where I can

• Seek support: Have I tried this? No, we can't afford a therapist, and to be honest, I don't think I need one. But I have signed up with my old personal trainer. As well as being a great trainer, he was good to talk to and is now a life coach. He doesn't know it, but maybe I can get 2 for 1.  

A bit of a stream of consciousness this one, and personal. If you are reading this and have a real issue, please try and get proper help. Don't listen to me.

I've started a pension for Violet. This may seem crazy - she is only two and a half, and we are short of cash due to the crazy cost of the nursery and the fancy new flat. But I have been meaning to do it for ages, and finally, setting it up has made me happy...but poorer.

I wanted to do it for several reasons, outlined below, and why I think it might be a good idea for many people.

Note: A bit obvious, but please only do the same after doing your own research or getting some professional advice. If you have read any other posts, you will know I am not an investment expert (LOL), and this is undoubtedly not professional financial advice.

The basics - why start a pension for a 2-year-old!

Having mentioned my plan to some friends and family, I was surprised to discover how few people knew you can start a pension for a baby or, in fact, any child under 18.

People seem to know about Junior ISAs but not the Junior SIPPs. This is odd as it can be a brilliant (and very tax-efficient) way to save for your child's future and give them something really valuable in the future...albeit a long way in the future as they won't be able to access the money till they are 57.

But my thinking is that for a relatively small sacrifice now, I can potentially remove the need for Violet to save massively for her own pension. Since the pension pot can build up over her early lifetime, rather than when she starts work...or worrying about pensions at 40 like most of us. Although she may not be hugely grateful at 18, when she gets to control, it will mean that the pension pot could be quite significant when she needs it without the huge effort or sacrifice that most of us make

You can open a Junior Self Invested Personal Pension (SIPP) for a child under 18, but the younger, the better; unfortunately, we didn't have the cash till now. You can pay a maximum of £2,880 per year into the pension, which becomes £3,600 through 20 per cent tax relief, which is just brilliant. But of course, you can't get it out.

So all being well, and assuming there is some growth left in the stock market, your child gets the benefit of tax relief and compound interest.

So, for example, if you can start as soon as a baby is born and pay in the maximum assuming a four per cent growth, and that your child doesn't continue to pay after they are 18 they will still have a pension pot of £620,000 at 67. This, of course, doesn't include any contributions they make themselves when they are working or state pension.

In my case, I have started a bit late as Violet will be three in April. I am using Fidelity to manage the pension. I read around the subject, and they seem well regarded, and the fees are low for managing the pension. There are also fees for individual funds, and these vary. The process of setting up was extremely straightforward and all done online.

I have also only been able to invest £1000 so far. If possible, I will try and invest at least another £500 before the end of the tax year in April. My plan is to try and max it out every year. This will become easier when she goes to school.

To make up for the late start, I've decided to be bolder in the choice of investments. I have gone all in on the Fidelity Global Technology Fund. That may sound mad, especially after being so sensible, but this isn't a pension for a 45-year-old, and in the long run, technology has got to be a good bet (hopefully) so I have taken a bit of a punt. Violet, of course, can reallocate later as she gets older and wants a more secure or low-risk portfolio.

Why it's right for me, and I hope Violet.

Or why I hope it will give her a comfortable life without making her an entitled brat.

I am an old dad and getting more and more conscious I won't be around for a huge chunk of her life, and I want to make sure she has a happy and comfortable life.

A pension isn't the only way we are hoping to give Violet a good start financially. The most obvious is that we are sending her to a very good (and hugely expensive) nursery, we have also moved to an area with good schools and we are saving for a college fund.

I hope that her knowing she has a decent pension plan in place already will provide security without making her spoiled, she will still need to get a job and work. But hopefully, doing something she loves. Knowing there is a pension may take away some pressure. On a more basic level, it will allow her to spend income on other things, like a flat.

So why a pension, not a Junior ISA or a trust fund. Trust funds are out, simply because we aren't talking about that level of money.

Junior ISAs are good, in that they are tax efficient and provide good exposure to the stock market. But there is a practical problem. The child gets control of the money at 18. Now we all hope our child will be a well-rounded and mature person. But what if they aren't? It might just be as annoying as your silly 18-year-old kid spending 20 years of savings on a holiday rather than a deposit, but it could be far worse if they are going through a bad stage at that point. So my preferred route is SIPP for her and then save in our own ISAs and provide an allowance later.

One final thing. The contribution shouldn't replace other necessary forms of investment. I need to sort out some life insurance, another exciting post to follow...Chris buys life insurance, I am sure that will go viral.

A mini post - We have had a bit of a breakthrough with Violets sleeping. It's not perfect, but it feels like a huge step.

We have completely cut out any milk in bed, either when she is going to sleep or through the night. We have all used the bottle of milk as a bit of a crutch, but I decided we had to make a change as I am worried about her teeth, and we need her to start sleeping properly.

It wasn't anywhere near as hard as I had feared. I explained she wasn't getting milk in bed anymore; we had one bad night, and then she completely accepted water as a replacement. What's been great is how it has helped with sleep more generally; I don't want to tempt fate, but so far, the number of wakes has reduced, and she seems to understand that she is older now and needs to make a change. We have reinforced this with stickers as a reward (bribe).

Now all we need to do is get her to sleep before 9, to sleep later than 5:30 and not wake up screaming in the night!

A year ago today I posted a pretty bland set of photos on Instagram saying:

This isn’t new to anyone. But it makes me smile that Violet is basically a little combo of Elsie and me.

Facebook reminded me of the post and it made me smile. It also made me think more about our little collaboration.

Again none of this is new to anyone really and certainly to parents. My throw-away comment was right last year, but not so much now, as she has grown.

In terms of looks, I think she really is a blend. But in terms of personality, that is just too simplistic. I sometimes see bits of Elsie, but Violet is more than the sum of her parts, she was two in April and has her own personality. There are elements of this that are not like either us. She is strong-willed and bulshy, she is far louder than either of us. But I think that is a good thing you don't want a mini-me.

Yesterday I was reading Kevin Maguire's brilliant The New Fatherhood newsletter, which I would recommend to all dads. He asked the question:

This weekend I wanted to ask you all how many kids do you have, and how many would you like? Are you one and done? If you had a second, how did that change things? And if you’re the proud owner of a minivan and hoping to fill it with your offspring, I want to know all about it.

Almost without thinking, I replied:

We have one, Violet, and that will be it. Sometimes it makes me so sad; when we are reading at bedtime, I tell her the other children in the books are cousins; I am not ready for her to ask and have to explain she won't have brothers and sisters. I had four, and looking back, it was brilliant (if crowded). But it has been too hard: older parents, miscarriages, traumatic birth, pandemic and post natal depression for 2 years, which means neither of us wants to have a second, we are just too bruised. Anyway, Violet has loads of cousins, which will have to be enough. It did make me almost cry when the clinic wrote to ask what we wanted them to do with the other embryo. I ignored the letter and hope I can deal with it next year (not very grown-up).

I decided to explore this a little more. It had been a hard few days when I replied and maybe I was just feeling sorry for myself. So questions:

• Should you make a decision when so mentally bruised - Is it true, or will we reconsider?

• Implications of being an only child - Will being an only child impact Violet?

• Experience of having a big family - What has having brothers meant to me?

• How to make the decision - Do Elsie and I agree, should we discuss this more explicitly

I am going to try and answer them over the coming weeks, but now (a week later), I am still sure we won't have another baby. I will try and be the best dad I can but just to Violet.

The New Fatherhood

If you want to read much better written and more well-researched material about being a dad and other things I would really recommend The New Fatherhood. Kevin covers a lot of areas and has built a nice and supportive community on both the Substack comments section and the associated network. It is maybe a little too focused on wellness for me, but that said I have enjoyed a lot of his writing.

The New Fatherhood

So just over a week in the new flat, we had a nice day in the new neighbourhood. Violet and I decided we had seen enough of Victoria Park and it was time to explore and see the real neighbourhood.

So after packing up the trusty buggy we set off down the Greenway, we saw West Hams stadium, the odd area around Pudding Mill Lane and then we changed direction to see the real Stratford.

Violet who has only known central Clerkenwell, didn't seem phased. Like most little people she is interested in buses and trains. So Stratford has a lot going for it. After looking around the old High Street we walked over the bridge to Westfield (which doesn't open till 12 on Sunday).  Found a nice place for muffin and flat white - There is only so far you can go in one day.

Then we went to explore the Olympic Park. Which is brilliant.

When we got back we managed to get her to sleep. Which gave me the opportunity to have a nap. After that Elsie, wanted to take her out. So I got the afternoon to myself...Hence the new website.

We have done it, we have finally moved to a new flat. It wasn’t easy but we successfully moved.

I haven’t posted as the purchase has been so stressful, I didn’t want to add hundreds of posts where I am just worrying about mortgages and legal.  There has been a lot of that. But it's done now.

The new place is lovely, Violet has her own room…and therefore so do we, I am already getting a little more sleep.

We had to make some compromises - The flat is in Fish Island, which is nice, but not brilliantly connected, also it is very close to the A12. But it's huge, brand new, lovely and near lots of parks.

The commute is fun! but a longer piece later when I am feeling less washed out

We have decided to stay in London and not just London but still fairly central, albeit with bad connections.

During lockdown and when Violet was very small, I was keen to get out of town, to go somewhere green with lots of space. My Rightmove list is full of pretty cottages in Norfolk and interesting buildings in Hastings.

But ultimately, we decided that staying was right for us. What is more, we aren’t even looking in the suburbs - after a quick look at Crouch End just to check we still couldn't afford anything nice.

In early Feb we drafted rough criteria to try and help, it won't surprise anyone.

Essential

• At least two bedrooms

• Third bedroom or study - both working from home a lot and somewhere for Elsie’s soap/candles

• Very good schools (primary and secondary)

• Garden or, if that’s not possible big terrace

• Storage - General

• Storage - bedroom for clothes around 6m (this is v important)

• Nice shops/community nearby (pub, shops etc.)

Would like to have

• Nice kitchen

• Washing machine in a cupboard

• Kitchen diner and another living room, not just one big kitchen dinner, but if the kitchen in the room has to be big and separate

• Near some of our friends or family

• Open space parks etc

• Parking - Street parking is ok

• Hopefully two bathrooms

• Good transport links

• Maybe near water

• I would like a gym nearby

Well we found somewhere, it doesn't meet all the criteria, since the transport links are dreadful, there is no outside space, and we don't have a parking space. But there are lots of lovely things about it. More to follow...

Wow! what a funny couple of months. Things are in constant flux.

But a lovely moment was Violet’s birthday. She is now two years old. She is a big fan of the song Happy Birthday which we have had to sing repeatedly for three weeks. Also, she now expects cake at every meal, she may be in for a bit of a shock.

We had our first real party for her. Pretty small, but there were friends a cake and lots of excitement.  It was great to experience some of the bits we missed during the pandemic.

This is the second of my posts in a series I think of 'writing is hard'. The first was 'writing a blog is hard'; at the time, I was feeling productive and was planning to write lots of posts; that was 28th January, and since then, I haven't written one post. This is mainly due to trying to buy a new house, on top of working full-time and still doing a lot of the child care. But it is also because writing, and writing pubically, is very hard.

So why am I finding it so difficult, and will I keep at it:

1. Writing is hard. Writing well is almost impossible (for me) - I write for work all the time, but it doesn't come easily. As an aside, I basically couldn't read until I was 11, which might explain a lot.

2. Time and real aspirations - I don't have much spare time; I've covered this elsewhere on the site. But that doesn't really explain it. I started the blog with the intention it was just for me. But I suspect that time is an excuse. If the site is really is just for me, why am I so worried about the writing being good. If I'm honest with myself, I think the fact I had a hard couple of years might mean great literature just flowed out. But why should that be the case? I wasn't a great writer before. Why should I be one? Because I haven't had a lot of sleep in two years. In reality, writing is a craft, and I need to put my back into it. I will never be great, but I can be a lot better.

3. My voice and being heard - related to the above, is that I think I probably do want to be heard. I want people to read my work and be impressed and interested. More generally, it's been a very lonely two years, and I just want people to hear me. But I need to be honest, have I got anything to say. I do worry that I am just another middle-aged white guy. And I don't want to be one of those angry ones shouting into the internet. So, I will keep on trying for now, but if I realise I'm not saying anything helpful to me or others, I'm just going to stop.

4. Distraction and technology - I suspect that I am not the only person trying to write a blog who gets distracted by the technology and doesn't just get on and write good content. I went down a silly rabbit hole of redesigning the site, then got obsessed with moving over to Ghost and using Notion. But I have decided to keep it simple, to stop changing technology and just write good posts. If I can get that working, I can always change the technology later.

5. Good bits - Like most of my posts, I do realise they are a bit negative. But there are bits of writing the blog I am enjoying. It has made me start reading again about blogging and, more importantly, the content. Irrespective of the above point, I have enjoyed learning about the technology (if only on an elementary level); I know Squarespace (update: since writing this post, I have moved over to Ghost, unsurprisingly I have written a post outlining my reasons and experience) is never going to m lots of tech cred, but it's been fun. Most importantly, it has helped with the original intention as a mini, cheap therapeutic exercise. Maybe one day it will become something more.

So will I keep at it? Yes, I think so. I have a long list of post ideas. I need to make time to research and write thoughtfully. Probably at this stage, I need to ignore what possible readers may think. Especially as there aren't any!!

Writing a blog - The above post is part of a series I am trying to write, recording the progress (or lack of) of setting up and writing the blog itself. Maybe that is a little self-indulgent. But it might help someone else, and I have actually been enjoying the process.

So now things are getting a little easier both personally and in terms of Covid restrictions, I have started to think about all the places I want to take Violet over the next couple of years.  Like a lot of babies born during the pandemic, she has had a pretty odd start, lots of time going for long walks and the odd beer in London Fields.

About a year ago when things were pretty grim I started pulling together a list on Google Maps.  It was a way of planning, thinking about the future, but also I suspect thinking about the past. There are a lot of places on the list I went to as a kid.  But that isn’t always bad, I am sure a little girl will love going to look at steam trains.  The original maps can be viewed here.   I will try and visit and then write up what they are like for kids.

Places in no particular order

• Hong Kong - Where her mum was born

• Toronto - Where her mum was raised and lots of family live

• The Science Museum, London - Lots of fond memories from when I was a kid

• London Zoo - Like most kids Violets loves animals, so far she’s been limited to some dogs and Hackney City Farm

• Royal Airforce Museum, Colindale - If you haven’t been, go its great. Who doesnt want to see massive planes in a hanger in Colindale. Also when I was a kid I lived next door.

• Chatsworth House - I went with my brothers as a kid and remember loving it, look back I may have been a little odd

• Bluebell Light Railway - As above

• Blakeney, North Norfolk - She has actually already been. But I want to go back when she is big enough to see the seals

• Penshurst Place, Kent

• Drusillas Park

Following the trip to the forest yesterday and a reasonable night's sleep, I have been feeling super productive. Not only have I got some things done at my real job, I have also made some changes to the blog.

It turns out writing a blog is incredibly hard; who would have thought it! But I hope these changes will make it easier and also more fun to read if anyone ever finds the website by accident.

writing a blog is hard

I have created a new page, which at the moment, I am calling Long-form, which is hideously over the top but can act as a placeholder. I intend to use this to write some bigger pieces that cover some of the more serious aspects of our life. Blog, I plan to keep more like a journal. Also, I hope the blog may become a bit more positive, rather than just me moaning about lack of sleep.

One reason for doing this is that I re-read the posts, and realised I haven’t really yet, been able to explain why things have been so hard. I suppose that is partly structural and partly mental. But I hope this will help.

ps. I love stock images; everything is so pretty and slightly hipster…this is not my desk setup.

Writing a blog - The above post is part of a series I am trying to write, recording the progress (or lack of) of setting up and writing the blog itself. Maybe that is a little self-indulgent. But it might help someone else, and I have actually been enjoying the process.

So I have been pretty terrible at writing my blog. But I have made a decision to try and write one post a day. After all, it is only for me and no one is reading it. So why not jot down my thoughts and ideas.

I am also feeling a lot better… because I got some sleep. Yesterday was the fifth day of Violet’s sleep training. It’s working, it’s amazing, and it is hard to put into words how happy it’s making me (although of course, I have to try, that is literally the point of a blog).

We should have started when she was much much younger. But E was just not well enough and things were so hard. But I made a decision last week that we had to start getting some sleep. So we just started and Violet seems up for it. Since she is almost a toddler I was worried that firstly it would be harder and secondly there wouldn’t be as much advice.

In terms of the second point that is definitely true. But, it seems a lot of kids have a regression at 18 months, so I piggybacked on some of that guidance. I also used a nice note prepared by pampers. I am sure there are lots of very complex systems but this was what I found and it's done the trick (so far), If I knew anyone at Pampers I would send them a bottle of champagne.

So our strategy (maybe too grand a term)

• Started simply, by removing any telly after her dinner. We replaced it with reading books

• We have introduced a much more fixed timetable (dinner at the table at 5:30, bath at 6, in bed by 7)

• Around day 3 we shifted to the bedroom after her bath. We now spend 30 mins or so altogether reading on our bed

• Then the bit I was most worried about. We started leaving her in the room awake.   did this gently and explained what was happening. The first day I only left for 4 mins and then went back for 5.  On the second day stayed out for 5 and stayed for 2 mins. On the third day, she didn’t need me and went to sleep on her own. Not only was that great but it seemed to influence the rest of the night. She is now only waking around 3 or 4 times

• We have removed giving her milk when she goes to bed and massively reduced any feeds during the night.

So far it seems to be working. She is still struggling at the end of the night, around 5 am, and still wants to get up at 6 but it is so much better. The next targets are to remove any feeding through the night and then try and push the morning wake-up to around 7.  Fingers crossed

So hopefully that is a pretty positive post for the first in 2022. I will try and keep it up

As we slowly emerged from lockdown and were able to see friends, we had to learn the joys of travelling around London with a baby. It's an ongoing adventure; I've started work on a bigger post that outlines the various options (you can read it here), which broadly concludes - that if I could afford it, I would travel everywhere by black cab. But first, the tube…

Our friends, Stephanie and Ed, have just had a baby. They live right opposite Kenningon Park and Oval station. So we decided to brave the tube with Violet. So far, she has been pushed miles, been on buses, in cars and also black cabs. She was initially a little apprehensive (most people are entering Old Street station). But she didn't scream or make a fuss.

It's an easy journey from Old Street to Oval on Northern Line. The only issue is that not all underground stations have lifts (there is a useful accessibility map on TfL).

Going down an escalator with a pushchair is fine. But getting on going up seems a bit of a knack. I thought it would be better to walk on backwards, but as the escalator pulls away, there is a small moment when your baby is left; I just held on tight and pulled her with me. Sure there are better techniques, but this seemed to work.

Noise is an issue; there can be a lot of noise at a couple of points. I guess little ear defenders would work, but so would daddy's big hands.

It’s time to retire these guys and let them rest. They have paid their dues, 18 months of trudging around Islington and Clerkenwell very slowly pushing a shouty/sleepy/lovely baby.

But they also represent many lovely walks. I found it can be a joy to walk around London with your daughter, to explore your own city and show it to her.

This was especially true during the lockdown, the city was so quiet, most of the time it was just the two of us. I found how far you can get, as long as you have a fairly decent buggy and some standard trainers. In that first year, we explored an empty London, saw St Pauls, and the South Bank, and we even got down to Buckingham Palace. Later we started taking the bus on the outbound leg and walking back. It was amazing to show London to her.

It was great to be able to talk to Violet and explain the history of London, the buildings etc. There is also the joy of being able to walk quietly and even listen to music or an audiobook. But at a certain point, they decide that being pushed, and sitting quietly in the buggy isn't enough and they want to 'ME WALK!!', but that is okay too.

I have written another post about places to take children in London when it's raining. But even with a normal big walk, you need pitstops, you soon find a chain of cafes that are child friendly, have good coffee and accessible toilets.

It's not cool to say, but I can not recommend highly enough the Mcdonald's near St Pauls. It's clean, always empty on Saturday, the staff are lovely. It also has a weird tired seating thing which can double as a climbing frame. The drinks are also much cheaper than some other coffee shops in central London. We don't let her eat a lot of junk food, but she does love to share a hash brown.

Although exhausting, I have loved walking with Violet. I will try and add some posts of specific London walks that are good with kids.

Note - The Mcdonalds by Charing Cross station is far less nice. Dirty, crowded and just a bit gross if you are walking with a baby

I didn't plan on becoming a dad at 42; this may sound crazy since we went through two rounds of IVF. But what I mean is that I never really thought I would be a dad, so I hadn't planned for it; it was only when E said she wanted kids three years ago I started to prepare.

Would I recommend having a child later? No! Have them in your early 30s or late 20s.

I know that isn't what I am supposed to say, there are thousands of articles talking about the advantages, and maybe I will feel differently a few years from now. But right now, I would tell any young friends to get on with it…if you are going to have kids, don't put it off. For any older friends, I am not saying don't have kids but be prepared.

Why do I feel like this?

I am tired, and I ache all over. That may sound selfish and a petty reason to throw cold water on people's dreams, but as I will or have (depending on when you read this) outlined in other posts, we have had a challenging first 15 months. Some people, I am sure, have fantastic starts, but many don't, and if something goes wrong, you need energy and strength. V is now 17 months, and things are getting a little easier, but I still haven't slept through the night, and I have done every morning for 17 months! That would be easier if I were 28.

More fundamentally, I will only get older, and I worry I won't be as good a dad as I could be if I were younger. I intend to be a good dad, and so far, I think I'm doing pretty well. But I worry, some things are silly, and some aren't.

I worry I'll die when she is still young, and this will impact her life; I fear that in 8 years, I'll be the fat old dad who is too tired to play football, and I worry that her friends will think I'm her granddad.

Are there good things about being an older dad

I feel obliged to give a counter position to end the post on a high note. So are there good things about being an older dad? To answer the question, there are great things about being a dad, irrespective of age; I am surprised how much I enjoy part of it and how much I love V.

There are great articles about some advantages; on a personal level, there are a few; you should be more settled, understand who you are and be okay with it. Hopefully, you are more financially secure and should have a support network set up; your career should be mature to accommodate the change.

Those are all true, but to be honest, they could be at 35 too!

But I suppose the interesting thing is it doesn't matter how I feel. It's about her now; babies aren't some tool to make parents feel better or fill a hole. They are a complete little person you have brought into the world, and at that point, you need to look after them, even if you haven't slept or brushed your hair and all your suits are covered in vomit! But if you aren't ready to move into second place may be best to be a cool uncle and buy a fancy Tesla.

The last 17 months have been pretty hard, but I have decided to try and look on the bright side and see it as an opportunity to give my daughter some advice. Not all of this is related to our recent experience, but rather things I've picked up along the way. Some are things I wish I'd done differently (money). Some are from seeing friends succeed or have difficulties on rare occasions.

A note to my daughter - these are based on your dad's experience, so they are probably male-focused and may be dated. Who knows, everything may be easier in the future!

A note to any random readers, especially those who remember the 90s - I realise this is basically a boring version of Baz Luhrmann - Everybody's Free To Wear Sunscreen.

• Buy a flat or house as soon as possible, preferably one with at least two bedrooms

• Have babies early - if possible before 30, it's just easier on the knees

• Work very hard at school

• Play a sport, not for health but the social side

• Watch sport

• Get into music - again, because of the social side

• Travel, but don't obsess about it

• Learn to drive early at 17; I wish I had, as it opens opportunities

• Stay fit. It's easier to stay fit than get fit. Also, it's unfair, but people like fit people more

• Keep hold of friends, work at it, and don't let people drift away

• Decide on a career early and go for it; unfortunately, our family isn't wealthy, so go for something traditional and safe. I am sorry the idea of following your passion is, on many occasions, silly (ranty post to follow)

• Drugs - be careful at parties, maybe smoke a tiny bit of weed but don't do anything else. It always ends badly. To be honest, I'd stay away from it entirely

• Drink - again, a couple of glasses of wine can be nice but don't drink too much - sorry, this is especially true for girls, I know it's not fair, but it's true

• Art and culture - start reading serious books early. It is a good basis. Daddy reads too many silly books about zombies

• Get a hobby, something you love. Not something for a career, because it's cool, or because mummy and daddy would approve. But something you enjoy. It can be nerdy. You can always keep it secret

• Don't obsess about weight, but try not to be fat. Again not fair but slim people seem to have more fun and do better

• Don't be mean but also don't be too soft

• Learn a second language - Afraid this might not be an option anyway, as Mum has already found two Chinese schools, I suspect shouting I'm half white isn't going to get you out of learning Cantonese.

• Save money right from the start

• Start a pension really, really early

• Race - daddy won't be able to help much. But you'll need to embrace your own mixed race. We will do our best.

It might seem a little odd to be starting a blog now. After all, I have missed the high point of blogs, the excitement of the pandemic is over, and things are finally settling down.

On a personal level, Violet is now 17 months, so I can't record every moment/every worry and try and pitch this as a lifestyle/parenting blog…but why would I? There are thousand already, most of which are better written and more well-researched than I could possibly do.

This is my personal blog; to be honest, it's closer to a journal and a therapeutic exercise. It isn't really about Shoreditch (the site was originally called After Shoreditch...). It's supposed to be a bit of a metaphor to reflect change and moving on.

At the very start of the pandemic, my partner and I had our first baby in April 2020. Having a baby is always going to be life-changing. But, having your first child, late in life, in a pandemic, during a nationwide lockdown and being trapped in a tiny flat has been an experience…and not all good.

I thought I'd use the blog to try and record some of the experiences. I don't think I'll come up with anything genuinely profound or new, and I will not publicise it. However, if it's helpful to another new parent even in the slightest, that will be nice.

Violet is lovely, but it has been very hard; we have been trapped in a small flat, there has been ill health (but I don't feel ready to write about that yet) and a lot of stress. Plus, we are both trying to work full time. Just to add one more thing we are selling up and moving to another part of London. I will try and record some of the experiences, mainly for myself. But I am also going to include other things.

I suspect that the blog will be sporadic and cover a wide range of topics. I realise that we are all supposed to find a niche and write religiously in that area… but I don't want to. It's my blog; it's my exercise; I'm not trying to sell anything, just use it as somewhere to record and maybe help another dad facing similar issues. It may evolve and change; I have already got some ideas.

It's not really about Shoreditch, but there may well be quite a bit about Shoreditch and East London; part of the moving on is about leaving that area of East London. So I am going to include material about this - Some might be deep and emotional (!) some might be about the joys of selling and buying properties in London, and I have a whole set of posts drafted to take you through the fun of doing a big refurbishment of a flat…will I get any readers.

Anyway, here goes…